WillM3luvTrains

First I am sorry if this is not politically neutral or if this causes any controversy, but I cannot keep this to myself anymore. If it's not neutral or if this journal is inappropriate I'm removing it.

I've been reading about the merger of the Canadian Pacific and Kansas City Southern railroads over the last few to several months and this is supposed to link Canada, the United States, and Mexico.

I'm not writing to try to stop the rail merger from happening, I couldn't if I tried or wanted to, and it's not my place to try to do so, I'm just here to state my concerns about it and am opening to commenters about this. I mean I would prefer if CP and KCS didn't merge with each other and stayed two separate railroads but that's just my opinion! But what I'm concerned about is the safety and well being of the people who live near the tracks of the railroads merging.

I read that the merger is going to mean an increase in freight train traffic. You'd think I'd be excited about this, and 20-25 years ago I probably would have been but that's because I wouldn't have known better and would have been called out for that, but actually I am not excited about it, at least not very! If I was 4 years old or younger I wouldn't have cared because I didn't always like trains and would have been too young to understand what was going on! According to what I've read about this, not necessarily the merger itself but the increase in train traffic and what it's going to do to the areas. It is going to mean more train noise, which not everybody likes, and more wait times at road crossings, which isn't usually a problem in itself but it's going to be a huge annoyance to the communities there and near there and a safety hazard! Why is it a safety hazard? For one, this is going to disrupt emergency services including Fire and Ambulance! This will also cause people to be late for work, meetings, appointments, and other important things! Freight trains these days are very long and can be a mile long if you will! Freight trains don't always move fast and what is more, some trains even stop on road crossings, causing vehicular traffic to be backed up! What is even more, if a train hits a car or whatever, it has to stop and be held up, causing more hold-ups. And sadly too many people are inclined to beat trains to save themselves time but are only risking their lives and that of others and I wouldn't be surprised if the people living near this railroad merger tried beating the trains. They'll hear the horns, see the flashing red lights and see the gates down or going down but are going to try to cross anyway, putting the pedal to the medal. And with more trains coming, that'll mean more crossing activations and more stop times for cars, and more crossing activations will not just mean more wait times but more people trying to beat the trains! And you never know how long you'll have to wait for a train, especially when it comes to freight trains. You can be there for up to three minutes, six minutes, even ten minutes, or way more, no wonder people try to beat trains (some also do it for a thrill, which is very sickening!)

Not that I saw but there are either no or not enough grade separations (streets and roads passing over or under the tracks) in the affected areas. This coming from someone who likes railroad crossings more than grade separations, there should be more grade separations, this way there'd be no need to wait for trains to pass by and trains can stop for as long as they need to if there's no crossing to block. With just at-grade crossings, it will be a safety concern and not just to people crossing the tracks but even people not crossing the tracks. What if someone has a life-threatening injury or illness someone's house is on fire or there's another serious emergency. With no immediate way over or under the tracks, emergency vehicles will not be able to get across the tracks to these emergencies immediately, putting more people and property in more danger than they already will be in. I don't live in those areas but what if I did? What if my mother had to go to the hospital with a life-threatening injury and we lived across the tracks from the fire station or hospital but the emergency vehicles couldn't get to us or couldn't get my mother to the hospital in time because there was no immediate way to get across the tracks because of a long train or a stopped train blocking the way? If I lost my mother because of that, even I would be devastated and distraught and I'm more than sure you would be too if this happened to you! I don't live there but I am concerned for those who do and why shouldn't I be?

I say before they increase the train traffic, they need to eliminate most of those crossings. Not all of them but most of them and build more overpasses or underpasses though I prefer overpasses, I feel safer going over a railroad track than under it! The problem is it costs lots and lots of money to construct grade-separations and takes a long time to build. It may take less time to build than Rome but will still take a long time! And not just one grade separation but a number of them, especially within a short time, whether they're brand new or replacing existing crossings. But how many grade separations can be built within the shortest possible amount of time?

For any crossings that remain although I would doubt they would, they should be upgraded to a better warning system including more flashing lights and preferably LEDs because of brightness and efficiency, and perhaps the addition of cantilevers, and a heavier gate system (4-quad gates) or median barriers. And I know many of my fellow railfans will disagree with me on this but perhaps quiet zones so that trains won't need to sound their horns except in emergencies.

It is said that enough trains run in those areas and that more aren't needed, and even I agree with that! I may be a railfan but even I have to draw the line somewhere and even I think railroads can be full of baloney! But whether or not they increase the train traffic, they should still get rid of some or most of those crossings, or all if need be, especially on the highways and main roads and build more overpasses and or underpasses! While I find the flashing crossing signal lights and the gates going up and down entertaining, and any crossing in place should have gates, not just crossbucks or flashing lights, I don't want anyone to have to stop so many times at a crossing and have to wait for trains to go by with no other way across, especially not emergency vehicles. And no one should have to wait for a train that is stopped on crossings, it would be ridiculous to have a train stopped on the only crossing in the area or on all the crossings in the towns!

The trains blocking the crossings isn't the only problem though. People living near the railroad tracks also have to put up with the shaking of buildings and things within the buildings and things falling off of walls and stuff as these trains pass by! And it's not just the horns that are noisy but the sound of the trains running by, the wheels rolling on the rails! That made even me uncomfortable as a child! There's also the possibility of derailment, especially with trains carrying hazardous materials, which can prompt people to have to evacuate. But what if the only way out is across the tracks? And if a train derails in those areas, many residents would potentially be trapped, including by fires from the derailed trains! And it will be a health concern too, breathing in smoke-filled air and fumes!

I would ask, do we really need more freight trains? On the one hand, it's more efficient and safer than use of semi-trucks that actually have to share the road with cars and I don't like semi trucks all that much, especially the tankers! And how else are we going to get the things we need? I prefer freight be transported by railroad than by road trucks wherever possible. On the other hand, even trains can be a problem!

Again, not trying to stop the merger from happening nor am I trying to stop the increase in train traffic, just expressing my concerns and how I feel about this and am feeling for the people affected by this! Only wish I knew what to tell them!

Apologies if this journal was poorly written. After reading an article about the merger, I just couldn't keep silent about this anymore and had some ideas of what to say but in writing this, my mind stopped working so well and this happens when I'm in verbal conversation! I think I know what I want to say but when it's time to talk, my words are gone or don't come out right!

Because he might be racist. I do not know that for sure even though that's what I called him.

He commented on one of my artworks saying he'd create an adult account using the N-word. I deleted that comment and said on his profile page to reconsider that, explaining that that word trashes black people and I tried to be nice about it too but he has the nerve to say to me "STFU n*****!" And so I told him I'd block him and I did and I don't regret it!

If you still want contact with him go ahead but I'm warning you about him although I don't know him that well and so far he doesn't have many submissions up.

I don't know how long he'll stay on DeviantArt though, that's up to him or the DA staff! But I'm not letting him or others like him darken my doorway with that kind of rudeness or disrespect again!

Shame on him!

How and where do I get a coupon for Core Membership?

I saw that the sale on Core, the 50% off was available and I thought I'd only have to pay half the $3.95 but had to pay the whole thing, which isn't much but I was hoping to get the $1.66 as it said but when I clicked, it said the 39.95 for a full year of core was 50% off, not the monthly.

Well, I got Core, I didn't have to pay much so I'm not going to lose sleep over it and there was no tax! And I want to thank DeviantArt for offering monthly core for less than four dollars even if it's 5 cents less!

My Core is subject to cancellation without notice though I hope I can keep this longer than last year!

And now a song by my Brother DeVaughn to remind me of something important though it's not always easy to do:

"Though you may not drive

A great big Catdllac.

Gangster white walls

TV antennas in the back.

You may not have

A car at all!

But remember, brothers and sisters,

You can STILL stand tall.

Just be thankful

For what you got!

Though you may not drive

A great big Cadillac.

Diamond in the back

Sunroof top

Digging the scene with a gangster lead

Gangster white walls.

TV antennas in the back.

You may not have

A car at all!

But remember, brothers and sisters,

You can STILL, stand tall!

Just be thankful

For what you got!

Though you may not drive

A great big Cadillac.

Gangster white walls

TV antennas in the back.

You may not have

A car at all!

But remember, brothers and sisters.

You can STILL, stand tall!

Diamond in the back

Sunroof top.

Digging the scene with a gangster lead

Woo hoo ooh!

Diamond in the back

Sunroon top.

Digging the scene with a gangster lead

Woo hoo ooh!

Diamond in the back

Sunroof top.

Digging the scene with a gangster lead

Woo hoo ooh!

Diamond in the back

Sunroof top.

Digging the scene with a gangster lead

Woo hoo ooh!"

By William DeVaughn. Thank you Mr. DeVaughn for this lovely song, it's one of my all time favorites!

I know it seemed like I was going to come back and I wanted to end my probation this month instead of in the fall like I was originally going to do and being away from DeviantArt sucked, I really hated that I wasn't here and denied myself this site and deprived you guys of me, but I think I rushed back and I'm still not emotionally or psychology ready to come back to DA!

Yeah originally I wasn't going to come back till much later this year but I decided that was too long to make you guys wait for me and I decided that that was too long for me stay away. Plus I was surprised and happy to learn many of you missed me and didn't want me to go despite all the trouble I've caused myself and everyone else including you, more on that later in this journal. So I decided to come back this July, which is now, but I wanted it to be a surprise return. And I'm very thankful that some if not many of you still like me and still want me back! And I'm sorry I abandoned you guys like that or made you feel abandoned and I'm sorry I messed up you guy's lives!

But, and I hate to tell you this but I'm gonna have to leave you again. Why this time? Because yesterday I had a really bad day. I know this is going to sound very ridiculous but yesterday morning after midnight I accidentally had an unwanted memory come up in my mind, a memory of a song, I'll just say it: "It's my life," by No Doubt. That song triggers unwanted thoughts, memories, and feelings and I hate it when it's the first song that comes to my mind after a new day starts. I was trying to think about a whole other song but instead I thought of No Doubt's song. I got into that song in Fall 2006, one of the darkest times in my life, also the same time I found out about YouTube and why I've sworn that website off and still do! I mean I admit I heard "It's My Life," before Fall 2006 and I did like the song before and I tried to find the song and the lyrics but had no success because I either didn't type enough words or typed in the wrong words. Then in Fall 2006 of all times I found the song and listened to it, even watching the video on YouTube. I did not know I was going to regret that and everything else I did starting that time period! Now when I think of or hear that song, it takes me back to that time. In fact I must confess I've lost a lot of interest in No Doubt and no offense, Gwen Stefani, whom I admittedly did find out about a few years before and during a better time in my life. I even lost interest in the song "Keep on Dancing" or however it's titled after finding out a few months later that that too is one of No Doubt's songs and seeing it on King of the Hill, and now I never want to watch that episode again! I also never want to hear "Sweet Escape" again either. Mind you, they're not bad songs and No Doubt and Gwen Stefani are not bad singers in themselves, but seeing and hearing them triggers my OCD and or PTSD although I'd rather listen to "Keep on Dancing," than "It's My Life," but I don't want to see their videos anymore. And having their song come up in my mind ruined my day.

And I was going to try to ignore and push passed it because I really wanted to come back to DA today after depriving you guys of myself and realizing my departure from DA earlier this year was unnecessary and I hated not being here, and I know life isn't perfect and I'm not going to have a perfect start to anything, but I feel if I stay, it'll be like living a lie! And I don't want to live a lie or cause anyone else to, doing so is a waste of not only my time but everyone else's and that's not nice at all! And I've wasted other people's times before, even had to sever ties with them (especially the people I met in Fall 2006-July 2007, many of whom I met on YouTube) and I'm not going to do that again. I've already caused irreversible damage to myself, to those people, and to many other things in my life, including Train Simulator and other virtual train games. And that's another reason I'm leaving again just when I've decided to come back. Because back in June 2007, I decided to improve my game Train Simulator, getting rid of material I didn't want and adding material I wanted. And I kept saying I wanted to improve that game with the better stuff and had others help me do so. While that was great, or so it seemed, I felt like I started much too soon in my life and wanted to wait for better circumstances to do so. And it went on for two months. I lied to a lot of people and wasted their times. I tried not to let it bother me and thought maybe it would work out, but it just kept hitting me and bothering me and I wasn't sure how I'd get out of it or if I would. All I know is I wasn't happy. Then finally after about two and a half months (I took a two week break from Train Simulator during the first two weeks of August, the month my life started to turn around) I decided I couldn't handle Train Simulator anymore, especially with all the irreversible changes I made and I had to admit to everyone I got involved that I had lost total interest in Train Simulator and never wanted to see it again, and I still don't! And not just Train Simulator but Trainz too and other similar games! I won't even play that new train game on the mobile app called "Train Station" or "Train Master." And I felt so much guilt over lying to all those people and wasting their times!

My point is, if I continue using DeviantArt now after starting yesterday, the same thing is going to happen to you too. Not only will I be living a lie, I'll be causing the rest of you to live a lie too! And I'll be wasting you guy's times too and I am NOT going to do this to any of you too and have another chunk of my life I don't want to look back on. So I am nipping this thing in the bud right now before this causes disastrous and irreversible results and I don't want another June-July 2007!

I know, I'm a quitter and I give up too easily! I hate being a quitter but living a lie, doing things I'm not emotionally or psychologically ready to do and wasting not only my time but other people's times is even worse!

I know it seems like I'm blowing this way out of proportion and I know I could just get over this and move on but I'm scared I'm gonna make the same mistake I made in late 2006-mid 2007 and I just cannot have it! I refuse to lie to you guys, make you think it's all good when it's not, and waste you guy's times and have you mad at me for that! I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to protect you, and myself! I just don't want you guys to get hurt and I hate hurting people and I hate wasting other people's times and I hate lying to other people!

Speaking of YouTube, someone made a YouTube account under my name! THAT IS NOT MY ACCOUNT! That account is a forgery! I don't know who made it and why but I HATE YouTube and never want to go back there again! Whoever made that account NEEDS TO DELETE IT!!!

Plus I have some other confessions to make. I'm still having other serious personal issues and still dealing with inner crap (not literal bowels, it's a figure of speech!) Not only am I still dealing with OCD, PTSD, and other unwanted thoughts and memories including what I hate talking about even to my therapist Kiwi Farms, yeah that place is still haunting me and it's very easy to trigger thoughts and memories of that sight even when I don't visit it, which I am NOT allowed to do anymore no matter what! Everytime I visit that sight and sometimes when I talk to anyone about it I ruin my day. And I tried to expose myself to that sight so it would never bother me again but it only caused me more problems and caused me to have more unwanted memories including of all the days I was on that stupid sight and caused me to lose even more interests in other things in my life. And now I cannot even see, hear, read, say, use, talk about, or think about many things including words and phrases without thinking about/triggering thoughts and memories of Kiwi Farms or the days I was on there or the things that happened on those days including when I almost left DeviantArt permanently in April 2020 (I was going to leave because that's when I found out they found an old picture of me from before that I never posted and found out my last name and my old YouTube name, and I thought those things were going to be used against me and I'd get in serious trouble including with the law and with my congregation. And that's some of the reasons why I tried to keep you from knowing what I looked like, from knowing my last name, and tried keeping other things from you, and I didn't want the people I met in 2006-2007 to find me and regain contact with me again or else I'd resume unwanted thoughts, memories, and feelings I intentionally tried to end. I've been trying to keep a low profile although now that ship has sailed! I mean the people I met in 2006-2007 weren't bad in themselves, they just weren't for me anymore and I decided I wasn't for them either! But I revealed too much about myself to unintentionally let the people on Kiwi Farms find out more about me and leak the information! And who knows, my personal address and phone number are available too and I'm probably going to be stalked and harassed! Maybe not by the people on Kiwi Farms but by people who happen to visit that sight and who are even more dangerous than the people on Kiwi Farms, something else I've lived in fear of and some people who read things or visit toxic websites, including about Jehovah's Witnesses, we call them apostate websites and we're cautioned to stay completely away from them no matter what, let themselves believe and be influenced by what they read or were told and then commit serious crimes or do other unnecessary things, sticking their noses where they don't belong! I have feared that someone would read the article they posted about me, then plan something against me if they saw me or found out where I was, I mean they know I'm in Tucson but they don't know what part of Tucson I'm in and I'm not telling! Anyway, then they see me and start something with me, like report me to the police or worse take care of me themselves like beat me or kill me! Again maybe the people on Kiwi Farms wouldn't do that but some people who visit their websites would! Of course now I'm okay with you knowing what I look like and what race I am!) But yeah I almost left DeviantArt and the rest of the internet including Wikia because of all that stuff leaked about me and I didn't feel safe anymore (don't worry Terrance4eves you're still forgiven by me, I'm not mad at you anymore, and I want ALL of you to be forgiving her for her part and leave her alone! If anyone still gives you, Maddie, a hard time about that's their freaking problem!) And it's my fault what's known about me is known about me! I shouldn't have shared that stuff about myself in the first place, I should have just kept it to myself but instead I opened my big mouth and I knew I had no control over what happened to anything I shared! More on that later in this journal. I was told not to take anything they say on Kiwi Farms seriously, plus my mother went on there briefly and saw what that sight was like and felt bad about going there and does not want me going back there ever for any reason and I agree with her, and for the same reasons I don't look up anything about Jehovah's Witnesses anywhere but on jw.org because other places tell lies and say other negative things about us and have managed to mislead other people about us and now some people hate the heck out of us and want nothing to do with us! That's why I'm now suspicious of anyone on DA who claim to be Jehovah's Witnesses, I don't even want other Jehovah's Witnesses coming to me here!

Plus don't forget I too created an account on Kiwi Farms, well two, one pretending to be someone standing up for me and another one pretending to be me sharing dirt about me, which was much more serious and uncalled for and so I ended up trashing my own reputation! And admittedly some of what I said about myself is true, I have inappropriate thoughts, inappropriate interests, and inappropriate obsessions, and what I said about Demetre Adams is true, he is a gay character and a bottom/uke, and that's how I prefer he be! But that was very inappropriate of me to say and do about my character! If he'd been a real actual Arthur character he'd have ruined the show so be glad Demetre NEVER became a real character! But I should never have made Demetre like that! Plus I used profanity with that other alternate account and said words I wouldn't normally say like a**, d***, and calling myself not only the N-word but I even called myself a b****, a f****t, and the two-letter H-word many women are called, and I do tend to see myself as a (B-word) an a (H-word) by the way I've been thinking and behaving!

And I still get the urge to make sock-puppet accounts to trash talk myself! Admittedly I even want to say this sentence to myself that someone wrote on a dumpster about my former boss: "F*** YOU WILLM3LUVTRAINS, YOU SUCK D*** IN PRISON!" There I said it, I admitted it, I let it out of my system! I mean I am trying not to make anymore sock-puppet accounts to pretend to be somebody else trash talking about myself, that's dishonest and manipulating and I'm very sorry again about that! But I know there really are people saying "F you" to me or might be planning to and some have said that to me including former friends! One person riding by me in a passing car said that and called me the N-word, that street harasser, when I was just minding my business! But yeah, I can be my own worst enemy!

Plus now I'm wondering if I should change Demetre or retire him altogether, never making artwork of him ever again! I mean Demetre is not a bad person, he means no harm to anyone, he's just a troubled person like I am and has low self-esteem, but I gave him inappropriate qualities! I should never have made him a gay character maybe I never should have made him at all! What I did was extremely hypocritical!

Someone said there's controversy surrounding me, it was said here

And it's true, I AM a controversial person 😳, I can't deny ! While I mean no harm to anyone, that's the sad truth about me and I make poor and terrible and questionable choices! I've messed up many times in my life, even REALLY messed up and got on some people's bad sides, and I probably just did again! I'm surprised many of you are still staying by my side after all the sh** I've caused! To myself and to everyone else! I don't deserve any of you! And after all I just said, and I'm not trying to drive any of you away, I want you to stay with me, but I know you're starting to question me and are starting to feel more uncomfortable around me. And I've said about myself before, I cannot be trusted, and I have a feeling more of you are starting to think and feel that way about me! I hate to admit it but I'm a hypocrite and I don't deserve to stay Jehovah's Witness anymore. Not saying I don't want to be anymore, I still want to be, but my behavior and choices have been questionable and unorthodox and I wouldn't blame you especially you other JWs don't want anything to do with me anymore! And remember, JWs are NOT homophobics, there's a difference between not supporting LGBTQ and being homophobic, just like there's a difference between being asocial and antisocial. Let me explain, an asocial person, like I tend to be, is someone who prefers not to be around others or feels awkward around others and is more comfortable keeping to himself, while an antisocial person as I was once told is someone who plans to actively destroy someone else's property and do actual harm to others. Likewise, someone who doesn't support or approve of LGBTQ lifestyles and activities can and does still respect LGBTQ people and does not try to hurt or disrespect such people, while homophobics are people that try to hurt and interfere with LGBTQ people and I for one am not a homophobic and I would never hurt, attack, bully, or persecute an LGBTQ person, I respect everyone's rights to how they live their lives contrary to popular belief! And by the feelings I admittedly have I'm not the definition of homophobic, I actually understand gay people! That doesn't mean I can approve of what they do but I understand and respect them and hold no judgement against such people and it's not my place to judge anyone for anything!

But I'm sorry everyone but I'm not ready to come back to DeviantArt and I had a feeling I wouldn't be, I knew I was coming back to soon! So I'm leaving again and I don't know when or if I'm going to come back! I know I always say that and I end up coming back but with this world as crazy as it is and tomorrow not being promised to any of us, there's a good chance I may not come back this time, something can happen to me before I do! And after all I just admitted, I guess it's still not safe or appropriate of me to be back! And like I said, I don't want any of you living a lie because of me and I don't want to waste your times and I don't want another time similar to Fall 2006-mid 2007, especially not another June-July 2007 when I wasted not only my own time but that of many others! I'm sorry but I just cannot afford to have this happen again and not with you guys too, better you guys just be without me a while longer or even never see me again if it comes to that! And if you leave me a message but don't get an answer, I'm not trying to ignore you, I just don't feel like talking so please don't take it personal if it seems like I'm ignoring you! I'm not coming back for at least four months! And I'm still banned from Wikia!

I just cannot do anything right! And I just can't seem to leave the past behind! Maybe I'm just not internet or social media material!

Before I go, thank you for still liking me and being nice to me despite all the trouble I've caused and I know I'm still causing and thank you for staying by my side and not giving up on me although now I don't know what the outcome will be this time, I don't want any of you too but maybe now you'll change your minds about me!

Good bye again friends, or former friends if you should decide that!

I know I said I'm suspended from Deviantart but I am temporarily back to tell you guys why I'm the way I am and what's been going on in my life so you guys can hopefully understand me better including why I'm so hard on myself and why my self esteem is so low and why I feel so bad about myself!

As many of you know, I was born on July 3, 1985 (or 3 July, 1985) in Gary, Indiana. But what you might not have known, I was born out of wedlock and to a teenager, who of course was my mother!

And because I was born to a teenager I believed I was a "bastard," and I guess I am but not because I was born out of wedlock but more because of the way I am and the way I've been acting, past and present!

And I was a very hard baby to raise and deal with! I was a chronic crier and I would cry whenever I was away from my mother and with a stranger. I hated being separated from my mother unless I was with my grandmother who adopted her and her mother, my great grandmother! I also had the dirtiest diapers! It would go down my legs and up my back! (This was when I was being breast fed!)

And because my mother was so young and still in school and couldn't be with me, I had to be left with babysitters. And you have no idea how many babysitters I've been through! Neither do I because I was a baby and couldn't remember that! Because of having to be separated from my mother, I was crying and bawling endlessly and it got to the point where after just one babysit, my babysitters gave up on me and couldn't handle me anymore and didn't want to watch me anymore! And my mother kept having to find babysitters! I couldn't stand being away from my mother or being with anyone other than my mother except my grandmother and great grandmother! And if that was how I felt about being temporarily separated from her, you can only imagine how I would have f I never saw her again!

In fact I almost lost my mother because she and another lady were on the way to someone's graduation and the person driving them saw that a train was coming but decided to ignore the hates going down and beat them He passed by one train coming from one direction but they didn't know till it was almost too late that they were on another track at the same crossing, in front of a second train heading for them in the opposite direction! Thankfully they got out of the way in the nick of time! But I almost lost my mother that night! I didn't find that out until after I was 18! My mother also decided not to ride with him again!

I do remember this, I must have been two years old when this happened but one day my grandmother, my mother's adoptive mother, took us home from church, this was when I was before I started going to the Kingdom Hall in 1989 when I was 4. Anyway my mother took me out of my grandmother's car and brought me into my great great grandmother's house, (yes you read that right, I had a great great grandmother at the time!,) that's where my mother and I were living. But I was crying and bawling! I was crying because I was separated from my grandmother and didn't want to be away from her but either I didn't have the words, or maybe I did but was too busy crying to say anything! I also remember hearing my mother telling me "HUT HUT HUT HUT!," meaning she was trying to get me to be quiet. Yep I can still remember being in diapers and some of the crying I've done and remember the reasons for some of them! But at the time I liked my grandmother and great grandmother more than even my own mother!

I also remember a night one of my mother's friends babysat me and I was crying endlessly and her friend yelled "SHUT YOUR MOUTH," at me! I don't know if this was the same night my mother almost got killed by that train, probably was!

Mind you I liked trains many years before I learned about this, well, railroad crossings, then later trains! But railroad crossings captured my interest around or not long after that time! I didn't learn what they were till I was 4 and finally asked about them!

Something else, I didn't like the man who would later become my stepfather. He was one of my least favorite people in existence and had been for many years. Even still to this day I'm not crazy about him though I guess I get along a little better with him now and I'm a little more understanding of him. But I hated my stepfather! On top of that, I generally hated being left with him and without my mother or grandmother around! My mother and stepfather married in June 1987 and then my stepfather moved to Germany to get things ready for my mother and me and we moved there in April 1988, first time I ever lived oversees! But according to my grandmother, it was a sad day because I was not only going to be separated from her and virtually much of my family, but I would be living many many many miles away across the ocean! I cried and so did my grandmother and her mother! My mother with the help of a stewardess got me on the plane! And I was away from my grandmother for 15 months! I was in a completely different place and surrounded by completely different people, American, German, or whomever, and some of whom I did like!

But in Germany, I had the same problems, being separated from my mother whether I was with my stepfather or not! I remember one baby sitter I had who was also a mother of a girl. Though the lady reminded me of my grandmother, only she was white, I still hated that I couldn't be with my mother! There was a third child there too, also black like me but also a girl. Anyway I kept asking the lady where my mother was and I kept crying! When my mother finally came, the lady told her she didn't want to watch me anymore! So I ended up at another day care, one with more children, one of whom I did have a crush on! I didn't like that new babysitter either but she handled me better than all my previous babysitters, though she charged 200 dollars. But I stayed with her until my mother got a new friend, one who I actually liked!

But the hardship I caused everyone and all the crying I did for being with people I didn't know or liked and going from babysitter to babysitter is one of the reasons I feel as bad as I do, all I put all those people through! I know I was a baby and little kid at the time but I am so so sorry about all that! And believe me you guys wouldn't have liked me either when I was a baby or toddler!

I even cried on my first and second day of kindergarten, and the second day was even worse! I hated that my mother was leaving me with a whole bunch of strangers, many of whom were kids too! But I got in trouble for crying. Well maybe not in trouble but was given a good talking to and eventually I calmed down a lot more!

...

This part is also very disturbing and very sensitive. I'm not going to go too into detail with this but I guess I can tell you just a little about this! If this is too much for you, skip to the next ... break. I was exposed to sex and pornography at a very young age! I'm not kidding! I wasn't sexually abused or molested thank goodness, but some had sex right in front of me (rather not say who) starting with anal sex, then oral sometime later. I was also allowed to watch porn videos. This started after I was 2 and lasted for a while. It was assumed that since I was so young I wouldn't remember that, but no, I remembered it and still do and it surely affected me! I ended up learning about sex, well, the action too early in my life and developed a strong interest in male genitals! I admit I found some of the stuff entertaining but some of it put me off big time, mostly the woman-on-man sex, seeing women do to men what I thought men should do to women, which I liked better!

I even started having sexual fantasies and sexual dreams at 2 years old! And in many of my dreams, I was the submissive one, even for girls but also for other males!

Also some of the porn videos I saw are the reason why I hated Fairly Odd Baby, which I still cannot stand. So now you know why I hate Fairly Odd Baby! It wasn't just the male fairy pregnancy, it was more the idea of female fairies penetrating male fairies! I've kept that to myself till now! I still hate that idea and that's why I did fanart of female fairy pregnancy and insist on that! I've been wanting to say that but was too afraid to because I didn't want to sound inappropriate or offend anyone!

That's also the reason why I cannot stand the idea of males, including fictional, being without male genitals, more specifically penises! I also am not crazy about the idea of females having them and sometimes I have nightmares about penisless males, especially cartoon characters, and females with male genitals and females standing to pee instead of or in addition to males! I'll also admit I used to try to look at and peak at other males' privates whether they were my age or males any older, even to my own family members! And I did get in trouble for my voyeurism, some boys yelled at me and rightly so too! Thankfully I gave that up, it was making me feel rotten and bothering my conscience!

Sadly, even now I can still tempted to view porn! And if I do, I'll feel very guilty and worthless, so NO porn for me!!! And much of what I witnessed decades ago still affects me to this day and always will! Now I consider myself sexually insecure though I now know how sex is supposed to be (many of you won't agree with it and I won't try to make you!) Though I admit I'm more sexually interested in other males than females, especially males lighter skinned than me, I have boundaries I am determined to stick to so please do not come to me asking for sex or to talk loosely about sex or encourage me to act on sexual actions (the male urination pictures will continue but that's it!)

That is all I'll say about that, don't ask me for anymore information about that! This is all you need to know about this part of me!

...

Now let's talk about my general functionality in life, including school and work, and what I've had to deal with, and what others had to deal with! This is also what I want you to understand about me and I hope you will!

I had trouble doing some things as well as other people, including in school. I mean I was good at some things, my mother said I could read at 4. I could read some words and very few full sentences. I could also count from 1 to 100, think I was 4 when I learned to do that but I know I was able to by the time I was in kindergarten! So I have some things to be happy about and feel good about! But I struggled with other things including functionality and relationships with others! There were some things I couldn't do real well like memorize certain people (such as historic people like Harriet Tubman, Mary McCloud Bethune (both of whom I decided to do research projects on in high school) and others, and as a black person I'm expected to know black history but I only know little of it! My family wasn't happy with me not knowing much on black history and so when I was in 10th grade I decided to research some people including Tubman, and also Colin Powell, Rosa Parks, Malcolm X, and one who really stands out to me, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr (my great great grandmother had a picture of him in her basement and up till I was 10 I used to have nightmares about King or another man with a mustache coming and tickling me and I ended up having a negative view of King, and openly expressed it to someone, who told me that wasn't nice. She didn't what I was going through and I didn't understand her view either and now I do. Now that I know more about him and the tragedy he suffered, I have a more positive view of him and am trying to keep that! I haven't had any dreams of him tickling me in years and don't want anymore nightmares of him, my next dreams of King will hopefully be better if I ever have anymore!) I did Bethune a year later. But the main reason I did research on these figures was just to impress and please my family and get them off my back about it!

I admit I was much more interested in having fun than doing work. Sometimes I did like to work, even volunteered to do dishes before it became an actual chore for me. But I was more of a fun lover than a worker and lacked a sense of responsibility though some of it started to change in 4th or 5th grade! I was an underachiever, did become an overachiever later but now I'm back to being an underachiever! But what I wasn't happy with was being criticized by other people, including my parents and family! My sister by my stepfather also came along when I was 5. Talk more about her as this journal progresses.

I was criticized for things I did and things I didn't do. Admittedly some of my actions were inexcusable and I did make wrong choices, even willfully, and there were things I refused to do. But there were also bad things I wasn't trying to do, things I actually was trying to do right, and things I did I didn't know were wrong. My parents were very hard on me, but especially my stepfather, he was very very hard on me. I honestly didn't like him, even hated him, and I especially hated being with him and without my mother, especially if my mother was away somewhere like in a hospital, sometimes a far away hospital. Three times she had to go to Walter Reed Hospital in Washington DC while we lived in Germany the second time and I was very upset about that. I didn't know if or when I'd see her again and I almost didn't too because the hotel she was staying in had to be evacuated and she didn't vacate immediately and got lost in the smoke and ended up accidentally going where the smoke was coming from! Thankfully she got out alive somehow but it could have been much worse! I was upset enough I had to be separated from her and be stuck with my stepfather, but if she had died, i would have really been upset, probably still highly affected to this day if I didn't die too!

I'm gonna go ahead and say I was finally diagnosed with autism when I was 7. Before then no one understood what was wrong with me, or what was different about me. I was thought to have echolalia because though I could speak full sentences, I repeated words I heard others say or what I heard on TV. My mother says I couldn't carry on a conversation, well no one could with me and even I believe that! I've had to take speech therapy up until I was in 6th grade. My mother also claims my younger sister taught me how to have conversations, and maybe she did but I still don't completely believe that! Well, maybe my mother isn't mistaken!

But back to my criticisms and what caused them or may have caused them and by who. I didn't know or understand a lot of things were expected of me and I ended up learning more was expected of me than I thought! Like I was expected to do homework and I had issues with that and other academic things. My attention span was also short (and now I'm wondering if I have ADD!) I'll admit I had trouble wanting to do homework, even refused to do it or tried to get out of doing it though in 3rd grade we had what were called "Friday Notes,) which either let parents know their children completed their work or didn't and had to be made up over the weekend and the parents had to sign the Friday Notes and we had to bring them back to our teacher or else we'd have to sit recess out! And sometimes I forgot my Friday Notes and or homework. I was forgetful of other things too and that too got me in trouble, even when I didn't mean to forget and even when I tried to remember things.

And as some of you know, I was spanked as a kid, my last spanking was when I was 15 (for forgetting to clean the bathtub! Whoops! And I had a great day until that happened and after the spanking I was mad for the rest of the day, didn't even feel like playing or watching TV or anything, didn't even want to eat and tried not to but my mother made me!) The only thing I felt like doing was homework, and I wasn't always that way! Also my stepfather was a harsher spanker than my mother. My mother didn't spank me as hard as Mt stepfather did, sometimes my mother would hit herself to see how hard she was hitting before spanking me and she would roll the belt before spanking, but my stepfather showed even less mercy and would put the ends of the belt together before spanking. He even spanked my sister and me with his military belt!

My parents didn't always spank though, even when they said they would! Sometimes they forgot or changed their minds, sometimes because of something good we did! But we were punished in other ways like grounding, standing in the corner, loss of privileges, etc!

Toward the end of third grade I decided to start doing and finishing my homeworks BEFORE the weekends and I started getting good Friday Notes!

But in 4th grade, I rarely did homework because I refused to do it and lied to my parents about it! All that changed that November when my parents found out and I got spanked more times that day than most other days! After that I decided to start doing my homework but would not be allowed to play video games on the weekends if I forgot even one homework assignment! And sometimes I did forget my homework and wouldn't be allowed to play Nintendo that weekend! It wasn't very easy although I did make the Honor Roll for the first time in my life! Unfortunately I only made it once! I didn't make the Honor Roll again until the end of 9th grade!

I tried to do better in 5th grade and tried to make sure my homework was done because I did not want another long spanking but I was still struggling. I also tried to get my work done before school ended for the day so I wouldn't end up having more homework than I was going to. Unfortunately I still failed to get my work done and got D's and F's, which did not please my parents in the least, even when I got good grades in other subjects! In the middle of the first term, I lost my Nintendo privileges but was able to keep everything else. But when my report card came for first quarter, I lost more of my privileges except watching TV and I was given more chores to do, not knowing it wasn't a punishment but a permanent responsibility! And I had to remember to do all my chores on time and my homework when it was given or it was a spanking, and at times I forgot though I didn't mean to and paid the price! Admittedly the spankings we're not that long, sometimes two licks or five. And I really tried to remember to do my chores and bring all my homework home but I couldn't convince my parents of it. Okay I guess some of that was my fault, I did refuse to work before and lied to them so I must have made them think I was refusing to work but I genuinely forgot. I may or may not have thought of that till now! But it was hard because not only was I grounded and still deprived of Nintendo, my stepfather, who doesn't care about trains and would get annoyed with me when I talked about it, told me he didn't want to see me playing with my trains or anything related to trains for the rest of that November, but it ended up being longer, I wasn't allowed to play with trains for over four months until I got my grades up, which I did try to do but was unsuccessful in doing so. I couldn't play with any other toy either at least until one of my grades was raised in the middle of second quarter. I could play with anything but trains or video games (my video game privilege was temporarily restored during that winter break.) I finally got my train-playing privileges back after the middle of the third term.

What also didn't help, it seemed my sister was doing better in school and at some other things than I was! She even had a better attention span than I did. For a long time it seemed my sister was better at things than I was and I was put to shame for it! I also got jealous and envious of my sister, though I didn't know she was jealous and envious of me! But I felt so bad about myself and thought my parents liked my sister more than they liked me! Sometimes I even got in trouble for what she and others did and my stepfather held me responsible for things I didn't even think were my fault, which I didn't think was fair! Admittedly my sister got blamed for some things I did too and now I feel terrible about that!

But also during 5th grade, I learned after 5th grade I'd start having 7 teachers instead of just one! My parents told me first except they said 6 teachers but in Germany you get 7 to 8 teachers (I don't know if it's still that way to this day.) But hearing that caused me anxiety! And we as 5th graders were told we would have 7 teachers by someone in the school but they did acknowledge it was scary. I was so not looking forward to middle school or going from one classroom to another to another!

And unfortunately middle school was the worst time of my school life, especially in 8th grade, and that was even worse than 5th grade! But in middle school I often got nervous, stressed out, freaked out, anxious, and even emotional and had meltdowns, even when I just had homework to do. I would get upset at having homework because I had other things I wanted to do and didn't want to miss. And again I would try to get my homework done before school was over but at times it was out of the question! Not only did I have a poor sense of responsibility but I also had trouble making sacrifices (I can still struggle with that to this day!) I also didn't want to be grounded or lose my privileges again and was determined not to get any Ds or Fs on my report cards! I might have been or felt under pressure too! I was mostly successful at that but wanting to do homework, well, any work was hard and admittedly did get lazy. One of my teachers did excuse me from homework until my mother wrote a note saying "Please send homework regardless of whether William wants to do it or not!" Well not word for word.

I also hated doing homework with my parents because they would get impatient and frustrated with me, making me feel bad/worse, nervous, and scared, maybe discouraged! Yes my parents would get impatient and frustrated with me even when I wasn't trying to make them so. Not only them but others too! Sometimes I would even get hit! It also took me longer than others to do work and I once got spanked for taking too long on a math homework assignment. I cried but not because of physical pain but because of emotional pain, and when I told my stepfather I was having a good day until that happened, he said "Who's fault is that?" I answered "Mine," although now I don't completely think it was, but I think I only answered that way because I thought I was expected to. And fact I only said and did things out of expectation or obligation because for one I wanted to stay out of as much trouble as I could and didn't want to risk making things worse for myself. I was often afraid to tell my parents how I felt, thinking they wouldn't care or would hold it against me, and at times my stepfather held my feelings against me. I also complained to my mother about my stepfather and she would go to him about my complaints and sometimes my father came back to me! I hated having to talk to my stepfather, I thought he was mean but didn't dare tell him! I even felt he didn't care about me or my feelings! And I felt like he overreacted to things I said and did! I wouldn't even know I said or did something wrong nor was I trying to and I still got in trouble. I even got in trouble for things I did by accident (like accidentally knocking over a cup of water.) I also got in trouble with others for things I didn't mean to do because I didn't know to say "It was an accident" or "I didn't mean to," or to say I was sorry unless I was told to. So I couldn't defend myself!

And my parents cussed my sister and me out. My stepfather even called me a dumb@$$ and I took great offense to that and cried, which upset him even more. In fact he hurt my feelings, discouraged me, and made me cry even when I tried not to and my stepfather was a harsh talker! He also called me a smart@$$ too and called my sister "stupid girl!" When I told my mother years later, she was not pleased in the least with him about that!

My stepfather also wasn't one to take excuse. Even "I can't help it" didn't work with him, even with things I really couldn't help or had no control over and he accused me of being lazy! Sometimes I really was lazy, other times I wasn't trying to be but he thought I was! And "I forgot" and "I can't remember" didn't work with him or my mother! It didn't work for my sister either! Sometimes "I don't know," got us in trouble though my parents said "If you don't know, say you don't!" But sometimes when I did I'd still get in trouble. Sometimes I really didn't know or I did know but tried not to tell my parents!

Admittedly I was a difficult kid to raise and deal with. According to my mother, she and my stepfather would spend most to almost all their energy on me and give what was left of it to my sister. And recently I watched a video of another family with an autistic child go through that, parents spending energy on an autistic child and giving what's left to their other kid. I did not realize that at all and regret that now though it's too late! My parents even got so annoyed with me they threatened to put me out of the house, which hurt my feelings, but I also threatened to run away from home and I considered it too but hesitated.

It also didn't help when thunderstorms came! I hated seeing lightning and hated hearing thunder, especially big claps of thunder, that's what scared me the most about thunderstorms! I would even try to hide from thunderstorms by shutting my eyes, holding my head down, trying to face away from the window, cover my ears, even go to bed, but my parents would try to stop me from doing those things! I felt they didn't understand me or care and tried to make me do things I didn't want to do in thunderstorms. I was even reluctant to go out in them but sometimes my parents made me go out in the storms but only if I had to do something. And home was usually the only place I wanted to be in thunderstorms! Sometimes I even tried to best the storm so I wouldn't have to go out in it and would take baths early since I was required to bathe every night before bed!

My sister also used to bully me, verbally and physically. She would take it upon herself to hit me! And no matter how many times I told her to stop she'd continue to hit me. And when I hit her, even if she hit me first, I'd get in more trouble. It seemed at times I got chewed out and my sister would get off scott free and that wasn't fair! My sister also hurt me in other ways like bite me, twist my arm, or put her nails on my skin really hard cutting my skin, she even did it too my face and my mother noticed it and dealt with her! When she did it to my arm a couple years earlier though, we didn't have bandaids so I used toilet paper to cover it but my stepfather got mad, saying there was nothing wrong with my arm and hit me for wasting toilet paper! My sister even hit me and when I told her to stop she said "I don't have to," and continued. And when I would tell her to get out of my room, she'd refuse. She would stand there in front of me with her arms folded! I would try to do the same thing to her but despite being younger than me, she was strong enough to push and shove me out of her room! I'd try to shove her out but she wouldn't budge!

My sister also caught me at something I'd much rather not say (SO DON'T ASK!,) and blackmailed me for it! And she would tell me if I told on her for anything she'd tell on me for it and other bad things I did. Now I kind of wish I'd told my parents what I had done but because I hated being spanked, I tried to keep lots of things from my parents including badly graded work! I also wanted to run away over being spanked, and run away over my sister mistreating me! I had trouble being honest with my parents and wanted them to think I was better than I actually was! I was also worse at taking spankings than my sister and would flinch or go out of position, but only postponed the end of my spankings!

My sister also bragged that she was smarter and stronger than me. She even always seemed to remember to say "I call the microwave first!" And I always let her even when I tried to tell her to let me have it first. And that was just it, it was either let my sister have what she wanted or risk getting hurt, and sometimes I would fight her but lose, sometimes neither one of us won and we'd both get in trouble! It wasn't fair because she had the advantage and I didn't, and I was not to hit girls or hit anyone younger than me and my sister was both of those things! I was practically not allowed to do anything to her, especially not cuss her out, my parents had a strict no cussing rule and anytime I was caught cussing or snitched on for doing so I would get a talking to or get hit/spanked. My sister cussed too but I often let her get away with it and some other things. And sometimes even when I tried to tell on my sister for what she did to me my mother would ignore me, even have her door closed so I couldn't bother her. But sometimes she did get called out for abusing me!

But a lot of times it wasn't fair. I even tried to exercise just to get stronger than my sister and I even tried gaining weight though I liked being thin but I couldn't build muscles and I couldn't gain weight no matter what, even if I ate a lot and I did! What I didn't understand, my metabolism was too fast! But even if I could get back at my sister, and I wanted to, I'd have still been wrong. So I pretty much felt like I had to sit there and take it! I couldn't hit her, I couldn't cuss her out or call her stupid, and I couldn't run away from her and I was too afraid to leave home out of fear for my life and fear of things being too different and I didn't take change very well, and I was in fear I'd regret it!

And sadly I would replay in my mind the times my sister bullied and disrespected me and I would be bummed out and discouraged, almost to the point of crying! But I didn't want to cry over my little sister being mean to me because I felt it would have made me look bad and pathetic. But I was really hurt inside and I felt powerless too!

I had many of these problems when I was a teenager! I had trouble in school, especially 8th grade, had very strict and critical parents, and a bullying sister and no easy way out! I also complained to my teachers about my parents spanking me but my parents found out and we're very stern with me and told me not to tell anyone what they did to me, even saying "What happens in this house stay in this house!" And I was warned if I told my parents' business or family business, I'd get spanked! So I kept my mouth shut, I was shut up good! I didn't tell anyone much what was going on to save my butt from getting hurt though it made things harder for me and no one could understand what was wrong with me and why I would act the way I did.

And whenever I got bad grades, I would overreact and throw fits, temper tantrums, and have meltdowns because I failed to do what my parents wanted me to do and was afraid I'd get in big big trouble! And sometimes I did, not necessarily because I failed an assignment or got a bad grade but for having an outburst. All I wanted was to not get in trouble, for my parents to think well of me and to not lose my privileges, but the opposites occurred! And my one-on-one aid in 8th grade wasn't very merciful to me and I felt she was too hard on me and felt she didn't understand me even when she said she did! I even felt she was overly harsh on me and didn't care about me and I hated her! I was also very rude to her and what I was afraid to tell my parents I told her, or what I was afraid to tell her I told someone else and those things got me in trouble too! And my aid finally quit her job during the second half of my year in 10th grade just when I was starting to appreciate her! I started to appreciate her because my stepfather gave me a good talking to about being grateful for my aid and saying without her I would be bad in school and even added I'd be homeless, without a job, with no food to eat, and told me nobody wanted me. He also threatened to spank me if I refused to apologise to her, and I was planning to disobey my stepfather but I lost my nerve and just did what he said. I later learned my parents went through a lot of trouble to get an aid for me! I didn't appreciate it at the time but now I see. Thankfully my next aid was very nice, more encouraging and I got along much better with her though my parents liked my previous aid better.

I'm also going to admit now that I once, when I was 15, I snapped and got into a huge fight with my stepfather! I got so annoyed with him and the way he had been treating me over the years that I decided to try to get even with him! First I slammed my hand on the table as I talked to him. He ordered me to stand up and warned me if I did that again he'd spank me. When he asked "Do you understand?," instead of a simple "yes," I threw a "whatever" at him and he slapped my glasses off my face and yelled at me more but I didn't stop yelling at him. My mother got involved and hit me too but I wouldn't stop yelling! I was threatened that I was going to get the beating of my life but I was not about to let anything stop me. Finally my mother made me go to my room and talked harshly to me herself saying something about leaving me with the wolves and saying "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!" I thought she meant she was going to take my life back from me. She also said "I don't care how old or how tall you are I will spank you!" She put me under the impression she'd spank me even when I was an adult! My stepfather was also so upset with me for what I did to him and tried to tell at me and or maybe come at me and my mother might have tried to stop him! I really angered my stepfather. And it ended with me being in tears and regret. My mother did talk to me again but more calmly and later that evening my stepfather talked calmly to me telling me I cannot talk to him like that even if I'm upset!

Up till that time, well except a few times I threw fits and sashed my stepfather, I had been nice to him. I didn't want to be one of those kids that disrespected their parents and talked back to them. I wanted to be a different child, the best behaved child in the world, someone for my parents to be proud of. But I got so tired of taking what my parents, especially my stepfather, did sitting down that I broke my being a nice little kid record and became like other kids, talking back to and disrespecting their parents! I destroyed my chances of being a "perfect" kid when I snapped! And get this, that whole thing was premeditated too. I planned to yell at my parents but if they yelled at me first!

But what I did was very wrong! I didn't get spanked for that and should have been but even if I was it would have only made me angrier though my parents didn't believe that! Once upon a time, getting spanked only hurt outside, but when I was 10, it started hurting inside too and I would get real angry at my parents for spanking me and probably at myself for being spanked, or for doing whatever I did to get punished! But I didn't get into a fight like that with my parents again and like I said I regretted that!

I still think about that fight to this day and think worse versions of what really happened like saying to my stepfather "I WISH YOU WEREN'T MY FATHER! I HATE YOU!" Or getting into a physical fight with him, even sadly cursing him out and grabbing a knife and attempting to stab him. I also imagine myself running away from home too. But I also imagine myself being thrown in jail, which likely would have happened! Whether I knew it or not, I was never gonna win that fight and I thought I had it all figured out but my parents were always a step ahead of me! Them and virtually everyone else, even my sister!

I felt like an alien in my family. I realized I was different from the rest of my family. We liked different things, I was self-isolated, spent most of my time in my room and did my own thing. And I don't think my family, especially my stepfather liked that I was a big kid or teenager and still did kid stuff like play with Legos, blocks, and other little kids toys instead of doing things like playing basketball or going roller skating, which he almost made me do once but my mother stopped him. I did want to roller skate but when I finally tried it at 6, it turned out to be harder than it looked, I kept falling and after that day I never wanted to skate again and still haven't, and I don't regret it! But I was afraid my stepfather didn't like that I was doing the things I did and he felt he thought I was too old to still be doing certain things. I might have even feared he'd take my toys from me but thankfully he never did! He could have but he didn't. He didn't understand that I was different from other kids my age, I guess I didn't completely understand it either. And I may have felt I had to live up to other people's expectations but felt I wouldn't be me!

Speaking of being myself, there were times I tried to impress others but some people got annoyed with it and one kid even told me to stop trying to impress others and just be myself! But I felt I was not a good enough person and thought I was boring and nobody liked me, well, almost nobody! I was tired of being bullied, shunned, excluded, and being an outcast. I wanted to be treated like everyone else, maybe better than everyone else. I wanted to be respected and to be liked. What I didn't realize and was too blind to see was some of me was fine the way I was and I didn't have to go outside myself too much just to please others. And I didn't and should have known I was not going to be like everyone else even if I tried, plus it wasn't in my heart to be like everyone else! I liked myself the way I was and didn't want to change, at least not everything. But I wanted the bullying and criticism to stop, I wanted to stop being treated like dirt.

Through most of my time in elementary school, I didn't know I was that different from other kids. I also didn't know I would have different interests than many others. And when I was 8, I learned some kids didn't like me and didn't want to be friends with me. I was even called things like "weird," "stupid," etc. One person even told me "Nobody likes you!" I knew that wasn't true but I couldn't convince him. I hated being made fun of though some kids were nice to me and one kid really liked me though I didn't like him back. I was also a snob and was particular about who I was friends with and who I was with and hated being with people I didn't want to be with, people I thought I didn't like and thought were "ugly!" No I was not very nice back then!

People including other kids talked badly about me but it went over my head. But when I was 10, that's when I started to become self-aware and that's when I started going down on myself. I started to believe I was stupid and worthless and other negative things about myself! I felt like I couldn't amount to anyone or anything even if I tried and I have tried. I even felt I couldn't do anything right! Even when I tried to do right I still messed up! Even when I tried to please my parents I still messed up and still got in trouble and was still annoying to others including my parents. I was trying to make up for the things they complained about me doing or not doing. I think I felt underappreciated. To be fair I didn't appreciate my parents either!

I also went all these years not knowing I had autism! My parents knew but either they told me and I forgot or they intentionally kept that information from me! And I did notice that I was different from other people and couldn't do things as well as others. I knew something was wrong with me but I didn't know what it was and I couldn't express it either. All I heard was that I was special needs and later learned I had a hard time processing things. Then I later starting describing myself as having a short attention span, having short term memory, and average or below average. I tried telling others something was wrong with me but I was told there was nothing wrong with me but I didn't believe that! I also described myself as a loser!

Like I said, my early teen years and my middle school years, though not completely bad, were not my best! 8th grade and my 14th year of life was the worst. I did poorly I'm school and got straight Ds in math no matter what I tried to do. And I was grounded a lot that year, so was my sister, who did worse in school than me and she got spanked more than I did! There were also times that year I thought, was sure I did ALL my homework, only to find out I missed some assignments. And though I didn't want to do my homework, I had every intention of doing my work. But I forgot so much of my work or forgot to do so much it was believed I was being lazy and refusing to do my work! And I did get spanked for that too, for bad things I never meant to do! My parents, I think, were under a lot of stress! And what I did not know was my parents had problems with each other!

My stepfather went to Kosovo in April 2000, which was when I was in 8th grade and would be gone till September. Before then, my parents seemed to get along, but when my stepfather came back, my parents started fighting each other, well, verbally! I could not believe what I was seeing or hearing! I watched and heard my parents argue with each other constantly and for months. My stepfather revealed he wished he didn't marry my mother! And that's not the first time that happened! The same thing happened when I was 6 and 7. My stepfather went out of state for a few months and after he came back, he didn't get along with my mother and my parents' marriage was in danger but was saved that time. And I remember them fighting that time too! But in high school it was very different! And later in the 2000-2001 year,y parents became more distant, my stepfather slept on the couch, and my parents started seeing other people! I realized my parents were on the verge of divorce!

That was also the same time I got into that fight with my stepfather!

I learned about spouses leaving each other when I was 9 and I was scared it would happen to my parents. I told my mother about it sometime later and she told my stepfather, who told me I didn't have to worry about it, and from that point on I was relieved. But in 9th grade that's when my parents started having marital issues with each other and they did end up separating before I turned 16! That's when my mother moved to Tucson (we lived in Sierra Vista, my sister's hometown, at the time) and I wanted to live in Tucson and got my wish! But in January 2002, during the second half of my sophomore year, my parents officially divorced! What I feared would happen, then was reassured it wouldn't happen, did happen! My parents divorced!

Don't be too sorry, I'm actually glad my parents divorced! I never liked my stepfather anyway and I admitted it to him not long after he came back from Kosovo and he seemed to take it better than I thought! During 10th grade though, my sister and I had to stay with my stepfather but we got to see my mother on some weekends. Then after my sophomore year ended, I finally moved to Tucson with my mother, as did my sister. It wasn't an easy decision but I had enough of Sierra Vista! What made it hard was leaving my school and my friends and my aid and the people in that school, some of them, felt like family to me! And though I made this choice, I was emotional about changing schools and leaving the familiar people! But my dream was starting to come true!

I still had issues with my sister and she was still being a tough girl and someone I couldn't win against!

...

Finally we get to when I finally started working. I knew eventually I was going to have to get a job and I was very apprehensive about that but my mother started pushing me to get a job during the latter half of my junior year! I applied in several places but no one hired me, until after the end of that school year when I got that job at Sonic. At first almost everything was great and I liked my job and my boss! But a couple months after I got my job, my mother had to stop working due to being sick and so we had to live off my paychecks! I tied to find other jobs but couldn't no matter what and no matter how many times I applied!

I finally did get promoted at Sonic but that's when things started getting crazier! I had trouble getting along with my coworkers and wasn't so good at my newer part of my job. I kept messing up and I got into an altercation with another coworker and had a panic attack and a breakdown on the job! I had to go home real early that day! I felt like a failure and like I let others down. My mother wasn't that upset with me but my stepfather was and I think so was my grandmother. That wasn't the end of my problems on the job.

I had altercations with still another coworker and I found him intimidating and kept accusing him of hating me! He did hurt my feelings a few times, once saying to my face "I don't need your sh-- today!" I was so angry and I might have almost cried but I kept my tears! I also started realizing I had trouble working with other people and being told what to do and yelled at. And like with other things in my life, I messed up on my job. I even had the worst week of my life. I was trying and trying to do my job right but I was too slow. I also had issues with my boss and coworkers. My boss even physically pushed me when I asked another coworker to bring me a food item. I learned the hard way I could have walked my legs over there myself and got it and my boss said "it's not that hard!" I was not happy with being pushed! And that Saturday, I really got into an argument with another coworker, only to find out I was wrong and I was humiliated! I was yelled at a lot that week. After work and I was on my way home, I told myself I was grounded! I was down on myself again. Repeatedly that week I kept trying to tell myself to do better and not mess up but I just kept messing up. I felt like a failure. But I grounded myself and didn't let myself have any fun and instead made myself write sentences like "I will respect my boss!" Plus I told myself if I complete three straight work days without messing up, I'd be ungrounded. But if I messed up even once, I'd stay grounded and would have to start over again until I got it right.

Not long after that my mother had to go to the hospital. I also had trouble dealing with my stepfather, sister, and grandmother. I felt like everyone was against me although admittedly my behavior and attitude needed improvement and I needed to grow up and try getting along better with others. I learned that I was a very immature person.

This was when I started considering suicide! Well that was after my coworker said "I don't need your s---!" That night I dreamed I killed myself and I had suicidal thoughts ever since. Before then I was anti-suicide because in middle school my parents and others accused me of wanting to commit suicide and I got in trouble for it. I denied it and I still don't think I said anything about killing myself but my parents didn't believe me and unfairly punished me! I knew suicide was wrong and didn't consider it or approve of anyone who did. I believed if you committed suicide you'd be gone forever! So running away was what I thought of doing for years. Later I was told "Running away from your problems doesn't solve anything." I thought about it and believed it was right. No matter where you go, you're always going to have problems! That and you're always going to get hurt by someone and mean people are everywhere, and even people you like or get along with you'll have difference with and boy did I learn that the hard way! And I had times everyone almost everyone on earth ended up on my dislike list!

And after realizing running away was not the answer, that's when I started considering suicide, the very thing I was accused of and to be against! But sadly when I was 19, I started welcoming that idea! I felt like I wasn't gonna survive in this world, that I couldn't handle the ways of this world, and that I couldn't do anything right! I felt like I was in everybody's way, even felt like I shouldn't have been born, especially being I was born out of wedlock to a teenager! And I resented having autism too and blamed my autism for how things went in my life and for lots of the troubles I got into! I felt worthless and useless! But I told myself if I killed myself God wouldn't bring me back to life and I didn't want to be dead forever! So I kept myself alive no matter how bad things got and it wasn't easy! I also finally admitted to my mother I thought of committing suicide!

I also felt like my mother never wanted me! I lived under that impression for years! I felt like I was an accident, an unplanned pregnancy. I felt my mother was being punished by having an autistic child, that being me! My mother told me she was scared because she didn't know how to take care of a baby. Though I knew it wasn't my fault, I felt it was. But who asks to be born? Nobody! We have no control over being born or how we're born! Not only did I not ask to be born, I didn't ask to be autistic! I might have even wished I wasn't autistic, so I had internalized ableism (didn't know ableism was a thing at the time!) I didn't always appreciate having autism! I also felt like no one cared about me, or very few people did! I felt like I wasn't born right and long had low self-esteem!

I did finally start to remember I had autism and I kept saying that but still didn't understand everything about it! I still don't completely understand everything about autism but I'm managing it better than ever and I've embraced it. I now know without my autism I not only would be different but probably wouldn't be any better! But I was made to feel ashamed of lots of things and being smart about irrelevant things but stupid about more important things!

At 19 I was rediagnosed with Asperger's. That was after I quit my job and moved to Minnesota, where life was no easier and when I started suffering from deep depression!

And let's not forget the three people from Mike's Railroad Crossing Website who left me after I did something I wish I hadn't done. They hurt me the most because they were my most favorite and trusted people and my life was over when they left me although one of them has forginme and is sorry of back in contact with me. Also to be clear, the people I met on YouTube or back in 2006 and 2007 that I left, the ones I don't want to be back in contact with, they don't know about my DA account and they're not the ones who harrassed or cyber bullied me, but still I'm intentionally trying to keep it from them!

l also learned I was never an accident, my mother planned me and intentionally had me when she did despite being so young and she always loved me! I was never an unwanted child but I spent many years believing that!

...

Before I end this, while I did say a lot of negative things about my parents, especially my stepfather. I know you must think they were bad guys and they kind of were but not completely. You have to understand, as I've had to, that their childhoods were no better than mine. Both my mother and stepfather, also from Gary, Indiana like me, grew up without fathers. My mother too was born when her mother was 16 (the one who just died last December.) My stepfather's father died my stepfather was a baby.

Plus my mother's biological mother abused my mother and my stepfather's mother neglected him. My mother's mother was bipolar and my mother had to be put in foster homes and in the care of her aunt, who taught her about Jehovah and in turn my mother taught me! My mother became a Witness when she was and teen but was disfellowshipped at 15 a year later that's when I came on the scene! Also, my mother too felt unloved and she too was sexually abused as a child, not by her mother but by two men including I think one or two of her mother's boyfriends! And my mother got in trouble with her uncle for it two years later because her abuser lied and said my mother wanted it! Later a female babysitter molested my mother and a few other kids! And my mother was made to raise her younger cousins, which wasn't at all fair! My mother even spanked one of her cousins and my mother like 11 when she did that, so I was not the first to be spanked by my mother, her cousin was! My mother was also spanked by her mother right in front of her class and she and my stepfather threatened to do the same thing to my sister and me if we did bad in school. Thankfully that never happened! And if you're a Jehovah's Witness and in case you're wondering, she's reinstated as Jehovah's Witness and Jehovah helped my mother be a better person!

When my stepfather was in 7th grade, his mother left him in Indiana and went to Illinois! My stepfather had to be raised by his aunt's and uncles! His uncles also taught him it was wrong for males to cry and my stepfather tried to teach me the same thing, that males don't cry! And anything I did that he thought was girly he called me out for. In fact anything he noticed I did that didn't look right to him like having my hands on my hips or having my lower lip sticking out, he would tell me to change that. My stepfather didn't seem to learn sympathy and wasn't a very patient person. And it turned out, I was not the only person to have problems with him but I learned my mother did too and he was not very encouraging to my mother or me, or his daughter/my sister who bullied me. My sister also used to get mad at me for talking negatively about my stepfather, who was her biological father and she and my mother tried to tell me my stepfather tried to do good things for me, even made sacrifices for me. I didn't deny that too much but I still had resentment and negative views towards him. I also resented my mother and my sister and others! Then a few years ago even my sister had problems with my stepfather!

Please note, despite all I've said, my parents weren't very bad people. I admit they did good things, even did their best though I wish they did some things different and better. But I'll admit they did protect me, look out for me, and they helped get me where I'm at. So I cannot be too mad at them though I sometimes still get angry with them and resent them, which I shouldn't do. I need to be more forgiving toward them, especially my stepfather. I do have better relationships with my parents and my sister but I still have issues and resentment with them and I know they have resentment towards me and towards each other! Sometimes sadly I still have bad dreams/nightmares about my family and of me not getting along with them! My mother also still has nightmares about her mother, aunt, and uncle. My stepfather didn't tell me anything like that about himself but the stories he told about his childhood, he was trying to make me see I had it better than he did though his childhood stories were depressing to me and I hated when he told me negative things about his childhood! But I didn't dare try to stop him! Plus my mother and stepfather are two completely different people! I'm more like my mother than my stepfather and I wouldn't have it any other way. My sister though is more like her father than like me though even they don't always get along!

My stepfather also likes me more than his other children and he also realized he didn't realize some things were beyond my capabilities! Now I'm thinking if he knew that he not have been as hard on me! He's still not my favorite person, sorry but he isn't, but I am going to try to respect him more now! Besides he still helps out financially!

...

Sorry this got too long. And I know much of this was disturbing, especially the sex thing, and I hope that doesn't scare you about me, but I wrote all this because I want you all to try to understand me better and why I'm the way I am and why I'm so down on myself, because others have been down on me!

Plus people, don't be scared of me! I don't want anyone to be afraid of me. I may bark but I don't bite! If anything I'm more scared of all of you guys, even my friends and family, than any of you are of me (no offense!) I'm weak compared to the rest of you! I'm a little mouse and you guys are the cats!

Don't forget to read this if you haven't and even the comments to it. Please also comment but not too harshly please but be firm with me.

Also this written by another deviant who really cares about me!

SS-Chrys pizzakidmadz DaSussyBaka @Terrance4eves Raakonee, ArtRock15, @Korpen9999, Vederick, Curious-Poker-Chip, LoudHarveyLefty, CandyRandy7D TrainsAndCartoons , @MelodyFloofy, @JoanaWB, @JDLoud, @BenjaminTheTrainGuy, @ShiftyandBentlyFan6, @ClubDreamiverse, @ShiftyGuy1994, @R101D, @KatieFan2002, @RhiannaPiano300, @citytoon, @JCP-JohnCarlo, @TheRainbowElfBoi, @Oddauthor, @jaredyboy, @IAmAutism, @CreeperEndie, @92CaptainWolf, @pingguolover, @theawesomeguy98201, RailToonBronyFan3751, @VI0LYNCE, @CaptainEdwardTeague, AlexandNintendo2 The-1-Great-Fan MASTUHOSCG8845ISCOOL turano-chan OceanRailroader 03GaryJohnson eyepilot13 dm7111722 @quinstiff harbinger-project

Also please share this with Arthur Read fan on his message wall https://arthur.fandom.com/wiki/Message_Wall:Arthur_Read_fan And please do not be mad at him or confront him for blocking me, I TOLD him to do it!

Now if you'll excuse me I really have to go away from you, I'm not supposed to be here. I only came here to clear some things up and to hopefully help you understand me better. Plus my la Frontera case manager told me to stay away from the internet as it's also lowering my self-esteem.